Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Not Pregnant

There it was. One pink line staring at me with its hand on its hip saying "told you, antsy pants, you're not pregnant."

I wouldn't say "we are trying," but we kind of went for it this month.  We got pregnant so easily with Penny in 2011 that I kind of thought maybe it would work out that way another time around. I've been super tired and scatterbrained and moody [read: snappy as a turtle] these last few days... My trusty NFP chart told me there was a good chance... so I thought, it must have worked, I must be pregnant.

But there it was. The lonely pink line.  

"You should wait until tomorrow morning," I had said to myself. "It's most accurate in the morning, and maybe you'll get your period anyway."  But it's pretty much all I've been thinking about for a week.  I had to know.

Why did I waste a test? Those puppies are expensive, especially for something you pee on and then throw away. 

I've been a horrible wife. 

It's so oxymoronic.  

Desperate, immediately the self-talk: I don't want to be pregnant right now.
I don't want to give birth next May.
I don't want my kids to be almost two years apart but only one year apart in school [that's a blog topic for about three years from now, if I even still have a blog in three years].
I don't want to potentially have to wean my Penny because my milk production goes down from pregnancy.
I am not ready for the back pain and the no sushi and the haven't-even-lost-any-of-my-baby-weight-from-the-first-kid maternity clothes shopping.
I am relieved that I'm not pregnant.
We have enough in our plate right now. This is the right thing. 

I soften my tone. 

But I so wanted to be pregnant.  

So very much.  I wanted a new little life in my belly.  I even installed the pregnancy tracker app back onto my phone.  Starting taking prenatal vitamins.
I wanted to be all cute and plump next spring.  May 14th would have been the due date, close to my grandmother Helen's birthday. And Mother's Day.
I wanted to feel a child inside me again.
I wanted to talk about names with Dan and start calling Penny "big sister."
I wanted to keep that exciting secret going with my husband until we decided to tell other people.  I had it in my head and my heart that I would be having a boy.
I so wanted to be pregnant.
To rid the angst and know with full confidence that my body is working, and doing everything it was made to do, with no complication from my surgery or oncoming infertility struggles.  God, hold close all the couples who struggle with infertility. Comfort their heartbreak, reveal to them Your plan for their families. 
To throw dates and calculations and deciding-factors to the wind because it had been done, it was happening. 

A feeling all too familiar, all too often, for so many women.  As if the PMS hormones aren't enough, this will make a woman seriously crazy. The waiting, the anticipation. Two weeks of it.  I've been a horrible wife.  I've had a very horrible time.  And tonight... I feel so yucky.  Overcome with all kinds of emotions. I actually feel Loneliness in my gut. 

I've felt this let down only one other time in my life.  The month before we made Penny we also "went for it" and I did not get pregnant.  That time around Dan and I drank lots of champagne and toasted to our no-kids life and the unknowns of the future.  [and then a few weeks later there was a Penelope in my belly].  This time around we sat in the office and worked on spreadsheets for a couple hours and toasted to the fact that our child went to sleep at a reasonable hour.  Hashtag notnewlyweds. 

Ugh... just realized... probably gonna get my stupid period tomorrow.  Stupid period. 

The box said you could take the test up to six days before your missed period, a window I am well into. But are there such things as false negatives?

Anyway.  Since you were about to ask: No, we AREN'T "trying".  You won't be hearing from me again on this topic for a while. 

I'll just be looking longingly at, and living vicariously through, all my beautiful friends and family members who are either expecting, or just had babies.  You know who you are. I am beyond thrilled for you. No jealousy, just joy. 

And I'll be enjoying my time with husband and my sweet sweet Only-child... at least for a while longer. 

I'll feel better in the morning.

How did you process it and cope when you found out that you weren't pregnant?
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