Keeping it Together, Goodbyes

At lunch with five brilliant women whose camaraderie I have loved and depended on during all my years in corporate marketing strategery, I quickly realized the coincidence that I was the only mother at the table.  Not one of these wonderful women has (or plans to ever have) children.  No implication, just an observation. And a coincidence indeed, as many of my female coworkers over the years have also been mothers, just none at today's lunch table.  But what a juxtaposition, my peers in career of past and my peers in stay-at-home motherhood of future.  They, so smart, and sharp, and interesting, and well-dressed.  So put-together.  Hopefully this would not be the last time I shared lunch conversation with them.  I so enjoy their company, their wit.  Though my fears that my ability to contribute to the conversation will dwindle might lead me to decline the invitation from time to time.

I want to remember this day, and all the things I felt, the sensations, the nervousness, the sadness. I tried to be fully present in it all and realize the significance, my last day in the workforce.  I admit I was a little withdrawn.  Much effort was required in most of the conversations I had today.  It would have been easier to avoid everyone, not read all the emails saying good luck, it's been nice working with you, and other sincerely nice things.  Not give hugs, not make eye contact in the hallway, not tell people it was my last day.  Just leave, like I was going on vacation and coming back later.

No. The pit in my stomach wouldn't let me run away from the sentiment.

I only cried four times.  OK six.  Seven if you count the car ride home.  Not one moment have I regretted my decision, but it's always so hard to say the goodbyes that are truly final.

I haven't really wanted to talk about it much.  "How do you feel!?!?" my support system on the home-front has been asking since after business hours.  I'm not really sure how I feel.  I feel like all is right in the world, like I am moving on to something I've always yearned to do.  I also feel like I said goodbye to part of myself that I really liked when I walked out of that building.  Life is hard.  I think making hard decisions on behalf of the people you love the most is what being a grownup is all about.

"Life moves on and so should we." 

-Spencer Johnson, Who Moved My Cheese